Category Archives: Advice

Don’t Be Selfish

Piper gives an erotic blowjob

I read this article on xoJane and absolutely cringed. For a taste of what I’m talking about, here’s just the opening, before the rationalizing begins:

Recently, I had sex with someone and about 10 minutes into our romp, I had a great orgasm. The guy I was sexing, though, didn’t seem to notice and continued to thrust himself in and out of me, until I finally motioned for him to stop. I calmly explained to him that I had just orgasmed.

“Ahh . . . okay,” he responded.

I could tell he was upset. We laid next to one another, awkwardly, for a few moments.

“Is there something wrong?” I finally asked.

“Ummm, don’t you think that’s a bit selfish?” he questioned.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, I didn’t come yet,” he explained.

“And . . . ?” I responded.

So, yes, I do think that’s a bit selfish. If I hear one more thing about refractory periods, I’m going to roll my eyes so far into the back of my head that they might never come back around. Yes, the human body loses a little interest in sex once it’s had an orgasm, and this is true of both men and women to varying degrees from person to person, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t power through and be good, giving lovers who actually care about the other person with whom we’re in bed.

Generally speaking, this idea has been promoted more among men than women, so I guess this article is supposed to be edgy by taking it back and saying that women can do this too. While I’m all for putting yourself first and for not having gendered ideas of how sex should play out, this is the opposite of the way that should go. We should be lifting each other up (and getting each other off) instead of racing to the bottom. Unless you’re racing to be a bottom or do something sexy to a bottom.

So, just know that it is NOT okay to just look out for yourself in sex. Become an enthusiastic giver and you’ll be much more likely to get back, but also, that’s not the point. What do you think of this article? Any redeeming qualities? Or just plain old no?

Fleshbot Advice with Sophie

fleshbot-300x76

Hey you guys! I’m giving advice over on Fleshbot now! Under my own name! Well, in a couple of days, but you know! It’s official, it’s confirmed, now I just have to get one more things… your questions! So, lay ‘em on me. More and more, I’m shifting towards wanting to get more involved in sexual education. Advice might not be exactly that, but it’s part and parcel of the larger commitment to enhancing sexual well-being, and it’s one of my absolute favourite things to do.

So, what am I covering? A little bit of everything, really. Blowjobs, of course, but also porn (and everything about porn from performing to DIY to what happens when your partner hates it!), and then also everything about sex, sexuality, dating and relationships… It’s pretty open-ended because I want to cater to you and your needs.

This is an excellent lead up to our forth-coming educational series. The Art of Blowjob will be known as a place of learning as well as a place of art. Oh, and blowjobs. Definitely also blowjobs. I think that this is important for creating the kind of porn landscape that isn’t only about fantasy, but also about how to bring that fantasy into a reality that makes everyone happy.

So… questions? Anyone? Or even general topics to cover? I’m all yours!

Trying New Sexual Experiences

Laura giving a sexy blowjob in glasses.

A lot of people watch The Art of Blowjob‘s videos because they’re fairly aspirational to the type of sex life that facilitates regular enthusiastic blowjobs. With this blog, our social media outreach and any other ways we can interact with our members/fans, we try to show that any sex life can be that rich with the right attention and attitude.

Recently there was an article posted over at xoJane by sex therapist Vanessa Marin about exactly that… With mindfulness towards your sex life, there is so much that you can do to explore and subtly change things up without actually having to invest that much time, energy or money. I’ve included a few of my favourites here, but feel free to talk about your own in the comments section!

Use a scarf or tie to restrain your partner’s limbs, or have them tie you down.

Masturbate in front of each other.

Forbid yourselves from orgasming. Keep getting each other to the brink, then back off.

Try for multiple orgasms, even if you’ve never experienced them before.

Try to make more eye contact than you usually do. Try keeping your eyes open while kissing, or looking at each other while you orgasm.

Or tease each other mercilessly until one of you gives in and begs for more.

Yep. That’s all pretty hot. It may seem fairly obvious or simple, but sometimes that’s what you need to kickstart more exploration of fantasies and desires, or just to remind yourself to be present and in the moment when you have sex. What are some of your favourite parts of the list? Or what would you add to it?

The Day to Day Lives of Kinky People

Photo of kinky couple by Forest McMullin

Photo credit: Forest McMullin (http://forestmcmullin.blogspot.ca)

I find this photographic project absolutely charming and I think it’s the type of thing that’s important to share here for a variety of reasons. Photographer Forest McMullin has been shooting a variety of kinky and/or sexually non-normative people (what does that even mean?), both in their everyday “civilian” clothing and in their kinkiest moments and ensembles. The result is a series called Day & Night, showing that many people have dualities and sides to themselves outside of what they present outwardly. In this case, McMullin focuses on sexuality, but the larger message is that we all have much more going on than what’s on the surface.

Outside of the obvious messages to take away from the series, I think this is of particular interest to a lot of the people who like the work we do. There are stigmas and assumptions made about the types of people who like porn or who are “pervy” in any type of way, like that side of ourselves must be hidden, and certainly not celebrated. With photos like this, showing very clearly the alternate experience of a person, we are bringing it to light and celebrating it. There is nothing wrong with being kinky, just as there’s nothing wrong with enjoying porn.

We are always concerned about appearing/being “normal”, but this is “normal” for so many people out there. The only reason we don’t know it is because we’re encouraged to hide these sides of ourselves. This doesn’t mean you have to shout your love of porn or (insert kink here) off the rooftops if it doesn’t work for you, but there is value in being mindful of the fact that openness doesn’t necessarily mean automatic shame.

Oral for Occasions

Renée shows off her stunning body

Today I wanted to tackle a perhaps slightly unconventional sticking point: is oral sex (or any kind of other sex for that matter) an appropriate gift? Answer: yes, but only assuming it’s also happening all through the year.

My sentiments are very much echoed in this excellent piece (with pictures!) over at Suggestive Tongue. Don’t get me wrong… Oral sex is always an appropriate gift to top off a special day, but (assuming you want it) it should be a part of many many days. As Lorelei so clearly states:

Women shouldn’t have to wait until their birthday to have a partner that will go down on them. Men shouldn’t have to wait until Christmas to get some head. Couples in sexual relationships ought to work on communicating desires openly and honestly each day of their relationship as these desires and other needs come up.

If you want something, just say it! Make your desires known! And try to anticipate the needs of your partner by being enthusiastically giving, too. This doesn’t mean that the fire and passion doesn’t wax and wane at times, but if you have to circle the calendar to give or get pleasure, there are some serious issues to be worked out.

Sometimes sex needs to be made extra special, especially if schedules and sickness and travel have made it hard to carve out the time needed to really truly luxuriate in each other’s bodies… I have certainly had many birthdays where, after the dinner or the party or the gifts, there’s one more thing to do… A smorgasbord of all of my favourite sexual indulgences all laid out before me. That is absolutely amazing and you should give this a try some time. It’s become my favourite gift to give and receive.

I think the delineation between giving sex as a gift and withholding most of the time and giving sex as a gift as part of a larger healthy sexual relationship has been made clear. What do you think about sexual gift giving?

Unconventional Sex Tips from Stoya

Sex tips from Stoya

 

Stoya is a very wise woman, so The New Inquiry was smart to have her come on as a writer to turn the traditional sex tips on their heads and teach people the value of communication, exploration and having sex like nobody’s watching… Except possibly the NSA.

As much as being sexually playful is fun and important, you’re much more likely to find the joy of sex organically than by reading Cosmo or Maxim to the letter… Listen to your partner, try new things and be sure to think of the possible outcomes before you put sugary things near your genitals!

Ultimately, these more general (and charmingly funny) tips are not all that different than the tips I give whenever I’m asked to share some hot tips. The fact of the matter is that there is no one way to give pleasure or receive pleasure, and the most satisfying thing of all is to find that thing that makes you or your partner tick. It’s like discovering a brave new world, only one that’ll leave you both drenched and in need of some Gatorade for electrolyte replenishing.

Out of all of these tips, which one speaks to you the most? For me, it’s #10 by a landslide. You can THINK you’re the best and perform your standard routine in bed, or you can take the time to learn what your partner wants and make it an excitingly sensual collaborative process. I’ll take the latter every time.

Porno FOMO

Oh no! Porno FOMO! FOMO, for the uninitiated, means fear of missing out. I have a major case of the porno FOMO these days, and I’d like to discuss it here.

As someone who works in the behind the scenes side of porn, I get to see the good, the bad and the ugly… At least from the beautiful porn world, there’s very little of the latter two. I love the content we create, the experience of filming it, the way we respectfully market it… There’s no part of the process that makes me anything less than thrilled to be a part of it. When it comes to working with performers, part of my job is making sure that everyone feels safe, comfortable and supported, and that includes knowing the reality of making porn and how that can impact the rest of your life. Since I get to see both the wonderful joys of making porn AND am incredibly well-acquainted with the potential pitfalls associated with post-porn employment, I am pulled in two directions.

You see, I would love to do porn. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I would love to show off my many sexual skills and passions! I want to explore my versatility, try lots of different kinds of porn and make room in the industry for myself as an inbetweenie (not quite BBW, not stick-thin either) in a world where there aren’t a ton of women who look like me. And hey! I’ve got big blue eyes and even bigger boobs… I don’t think I’d have a problem finding a niche! As someone who wants to see a world where we don’t stigmatize people for working in porn, shouldn’t I be the change I want to see, so to speak, by showing that I can be a consummate human being who just happens to enjoy having sex on camera?

After all, I’m in a pretty unique position. I have a stable job in porn and I love it. I have made a career (or, at least the beginnings of one) as a porn advocate. I have aspirations to delve further into sex education and giving advice… I don’t really have anything to lose by adding performer to my resume. Nina Hartley is a performer and sex educator, Jiz Lee is a performer and a marketing/PR person, Courtney Trouble is a performer, director and business owner… There’s nothing stopping me from being respected within the industry as a professional.

I’ve been networking at events for years, and I’ve flirted with performers, I’ve been invited to shoot scenes and I work for a site that’d definitely benefit from having yet another enthusiastic and animated face… So what’s keeping me from shooting porn?

As strong as the fear of missing out can be, the fear of falling victim to the post-porn career crisis is terrifying. I love working in beautiful porn, and I’d dearly want this to be a forever job, but I know that not everything turns out that way. The industry is always changing and there’s a lot to be said for being prudent. Then again, there’s a lot to be said for making extra money performing and then going back to school to become a sex therapist if things ever go south… In a way, I think I would be great at advocating for myself if I ever were applying for a mainstream job, and maybe I wouldn’t want to work for anyone who wouldn’t be sex-positive anyways… But I don’t know! I just don’t know.

I’m not exactly crowd-sourcing a huge life decision, but I’m interested… What would you do in my shoes?

Ask Sophie Advice #1

The Art of Blowjob is more than just an aspirational site… We actually want people who watch our videos to enjoy happy sex lives for themselves. I have always loved giving advice, and I figured this is a good place to give it a whirl, so that we can help members and viewers and beautiful porn enthusiasts with their questions and problems.

Sophie,

I have a problem, and I hope you can help. The problem is that I want my partner to watch some of your videos, and I don’t know how to get her to watch. We’ve been together a long time, and oral sex was always a no-no for her, both giving and getting. Now she’s not interested in sex at all, so I get by with jerking off. I was amazed when I found your site last year. And I don’t know how I did it, but I got her to watch a couple of videos. She said that the videos are “nice” and “loving” but didn’t turn her on at all. So she hasn’t watched any more videos. I really enjoyed Laura’s new video, and I want my partner to see how sexy and fun it is. But she doesn’t like for me to push her, and she’s quick to feel like I’m pushing. And I don’t want her to feel like I’m comparing her to Laura. I just want her to see that a BJ doesn’t have to be ugly like in regular porn.

So how can I get her to watch?

By the way, we’re already seeing a counselor.

Seeing a counsellor is a great step, and I think the fact that you have that open and mediated line of communication is going to be very important when it comes to broaching this issue. While I don’t have all of the details at my disposal, I think there’s a lot to be said for the fact that your sex life with your wife has dwindled to the point where you are exclusively masturbating and (I would guess) that she’s not frequently a part of the process.

It seems that you’ve made peace with this decrease in your sex life, but that your sexuality is still something you want to share with your wife, even if it’s not a particularly mutual experience. That is absolutely natural and, as someone who is a fan of the site, you no doubt value intimacy and connection during a sexual experience, even if it’s just your body at play.

The fact that she’s been open to watching videos before is quite a good sign. She may be quick to feel pressured, but you’ve established a precedent here. The fact that the site has changed somewhat radically means that you have a reason to bring it up: “Remember those videos we watched featuring blowjobs? Well, they’ve gone in a different direction and there’s a new model. I’d love to share a video with you to see what you think.” It’s a fairly straightforward request, and you’re not asking her to be aroused, to have physical contact, to masturbate with you… You just want her to watch because it’s something you want to share with her. Our videos average 5-10 minutes, so it’s a very small ask.

What you’ve said about comparison is a very valuable point, and one that’s definitely worth mentioning if there’s any kind of pushback. Emphasize the desire to share with her, and the desire to share your sexuality with her. It’s an experience together, even if there’s no touching at all. There’s no expectation asides from her watching and then possibly discussing her reaction with you. If you frame it that way, it’d be unreasonable for her to feel put out by it. Of course, feelings aren’t reasonable, which is why I think it’s best to discuss this while your therapist is present if you feel comfortable. This way, if she does balk at the idea, you’ll have someone there to ask her why she feels this way and essentially walk you through your discussion so that you can avoid hurt feelings.

As with anything, compromise is important in a relationship. You’ve made quite a concession by taking mutual sex off the table for her, so I think that watching the occasional video together in order to feel close and to have your sexuality validated by her is a reasonable compromise as well.

Good luck!