Category Archives: Funny

Dick Pic Tips

Ariane is heating up the kitchen with a beautiful blowjob

When it comes to the porn I personally look at, a lot of it features beautifully shot dicks, but that’s on my terms. Now, dick pics are controversial, but there is one guiding rule: make sure your dick pic is wanted before you send it. Don’t send it out all willy nilly… Ha. But, assuming that your dick pic is either wanted or you’re just putting it up on a Tumblr or Flickr or something like that for your own enjoyment (regardless of whether or not other people look), you can do a lot to make your dick pic actually palatable. There are good pictures and bad pictures, and that includes pictures of dicks.

This delightful and relatively succinct explanation on Jezebel from the curator of Critique My Dick Pic gives you everything you need to know. Get personal, be creative, try different angles, remember the value of interesting lighting, include hands for an added flair… While shooting dick pics may not be for everyone, we encourage those of you who might want to give it a go to make it part of your creative repertoire… After all, whether it’s for a partner or for yourself, there is something very nice about feeling confident about your body and specifically your genitals. Just don’t get TOO confident and send it to anyone who hasn’t asked first. Especially not accidentally your whole contact list.

Have you ever taken a dick pic before? What was it like? Did you put this level of thought into it, or did you just kind of wing (wang) it? And hey, if you wind up taking one and sending it into Critique My Dick Pic, let us know! I, for one, am always curious.

Chocolate Anus, Anyone?

Delicious chocolate anus

If someone offered you a delicious chocolate casting of their anus, would you eat it? That’s the question that some people will find themselves faced with this Valentine’s Day. Apparently chocolate anuses are a thing, and if you’re willing to pay Edible Anus enough for it, you can have a cast of your anus made to have your very own personalized confections. You know, the kind that are made to look like your b-hole.

Now, even though I am very pro-analingus, I might find this a little tough to, um, swallow. Frankly, I’d sooner go straight to the source when it comes to someone I love. That said, you can also get them cast in brass if you’d like a very expensive (nearly $2000) paperweight to remind you of your beloved’s behind all through the day. Think of it as an investment… An objet d’art, if you will.

That said, I used to be involved with V-Day and the Vagina Monologues back in the day, so I’m all too familiar with making and eating chocolate vulva/vagina pops. Anything that allows you to practice your cunnilingus techniques in style is good enough for me. And then there are chocolate penises filled with cream, for those of us who want to fellate something even more delicious and creamy than regular human penises already are.

What do you think of chocolate genitals? Are they going too far, or are they the perfect way to make Valentine’s Day hilarious and sexy and tasty all at once?

Jingle Jugs with Sara X

Sara X is back. You may recall her from her classical music debut with a twist… A titty twister? She is a beautiful blonde with masterful control of her bountiful breasts, which she puts to good use with a musical score. This time, she is taking a festive approach to her talent just in time for the holiday season. Her jingle jugs put traditional carols to shame. She is certainly in the spirit, and she’s likely to fill you with holiday cheer… Or at least certain parts of you.

Of course, this has given me some inspiration for an entirely bell-bedazzled bra for my forthcoming festive burlesque stage kittening gig. Perhaps I’ll attempt something similar… Or maybe I’ll go for some bell-embelished pasties? That could work, too. The point is, more breasts should have musical accoutrements. Maybe Sara X will start a trend where we deck our breasts as well as any and all halls. And maybe you should tie some bells to your balls, too! We are equal-opportunity here! What a musical blowjob that would be!

I hope you’re nestled by a fire, sipping some rum-tippled eggnog and reflecting on the joys of the season. By the joys of the season, I clearly mean boobs… And perhaps the suggestive licking of a candy cane or some all-too-appropriately placed mistletoe. If we can’t get a little slutty during the holidays, when can we? Have we learned nothing from Santa Baby? All I can say is… Let it blow, let it blow, let it blow!

Like a Slow Motion Cumshot…

This can’t help but look really inappropriate. I took one look at this over on Buzzfeed and I couldn’t not post it. It’s silly and cute, of course, but let’s face it… These are basically facials. And there are a whole lot of cute people involved, too! Oh, and they swallow! (Why wouldn’t they? Popcorn/other white airborne substances coming at their faces are delicious!)

My favourite thing to do when someone makes the “jerking off gesture” is to pretend to catch the cum in my mouth. Sometimes in very theatrical ways, or sometimes entirely by myself. Boy, am I ever a charmer! But that’s exactly what this made me think of.

Perhaps this is the type of exercise that every blowjob porn performer should work on so that they never miss a cumshot again. And there’s a little quirky thought to sit with on a drizzly Tuesday afternoon!

Naked Ballet


Naked Ballet by Irondell31

Here we are again with more fine art and sexuality together. This time it takes the form of dance. Ballet is seen as all prim and proper, though the leotards often leave little to the imagination. But why stop at flimsy fabrics and barely there tutus when you could watch ballet completely in the nude? As an ex-ballerina (I took it VERY seriously until my breasts got too darn big!) I have always sort of been fascinated by dance’s potential for eroticism, and also just seeing how the body reacts to this kind of exaggerated and extreme movement without clothing.

This particular video has been making the rounds for a while, but there are many more out there like it. This is a suite from Swan Lake which is fairly commonly performed and rehearsed in ballet classes. It’s funny to see choreography that you know (or at least a variation on it) with so much… bounce. And really, that’s what these videos are about. They have full shots, but they also have lots of close-ups of the most intimate parts to titillate. This isn’t anything you’re going to get from a night at the ballet!

I couldn’t find out much more about the people behind this video, but I’d love to know more! What do you think about seeing the human body in movement like this? Is it strictly interesting, or is it arousing too? I’ve always wanted to try a nude contact improv dance class… Things could get very interesting, and possibly sticky too.

Ah, The Arts

Ah, the arts. We at The Art of Blowjob like to appreciate arts beyond oral sex, so this felt like a natural extension. Some of you may not know, but my background is actually in classical music. Also: I have breasts. Shocking, right? Up until now, I hadn’t realized that there was an appropriate method to combine the two (asides from a lot of cleavage in my recital dresses) but model/blogger/all around funny person Sara X has found a way! She makes Mozart SO much fun with a take on Eine kleine Nachtmusik featuring her immense breasts moving to the beat.

Now, when I initially read the accompanying article to this piece, I thought she was making different tones by pushing (smacking?) her breasts together, which would have been extraordinary. There’s no sound, but she does have some seriously toned pecs to get her fairly substantial bust moving like that. It’s like a very special kind of fantasy:

I’m sure you’re all doing what I did as soon as I watched this video… Trying it yourself. I’m pleased to say that I can make my 36Ks dance with the best of em, but the real trick would be singing an aria while making my breasts move at the same time. If I ever accomplish this task, I’ll take it to Youtube… I’m feeling like Der Hölle Rache would have just the right blend of dexterity and fan appeal.

What do you think of this style of artistry? Would you ever go see a concert featuring erotic takes on classical music? Cause there is more to come if you would!

Hide the Boner

Limpitor – watch more funny videos

Let’s play a little game called Hide the Boner! No… Not there!

Now, I’m not saying that you need to hide your boner when it’s wanted… When you’re hard and it’s a good thing for the situation, that’s an amazing thing! That said, there are all together too many times where a pesky protuberance issue makes for awkwardness, like almost any time you’re in public, any time you’re with someone who wouldn’t appreciate your arousal or any time where you wouldn’t appreciate being aroused. Young or old, it’s a thing that happens, and unfortunately this pill doesn’t actually exist, as amusing as the video may be.

So, what to do? Well, the folks at Oh Joy Sex Toy have a few ideas in their recent comic titled The Terrible Art of Boner Hiding… I love love love Oh Joy Sex Toy for many reasons. They’re clear, educational, funny and hot, which is about my checklist of excellent sexual media to a T! When it comes to hiding erections, they’re full of ideas: hide it, flex another muscle or run off to quickly get off if you can… Just don’t get caught with sticky fingers or in the midst of masturbation. Choose your jerk-zone carefully! You can even think of a scowl royal and her disappointment with your penis, which is by far my favourite part of this comic.

The reason I posted this is because there are always complaints of poorly-timed stiffs whenever I post something sexy on social media… Sure, these clandestine pictures of blowjobs pop up at inopportune moments, as do cocks! It’s times like this when I’m very happy to not be a penis owner. While we’re not going to stop posting sexy things because, well, that’s kind of our whole thing, this is a decent compromise. Now you know what to do when you catch a teaser from The Art of Blowjob and nature takes its course.

What’s your go-to move when it comes to dealing with an inappropriately-timed hard-on? Whenever I’m turned on and I need it to stop, I take a page out of The Simpsons’ handbook:

Attempting Cosmo Sex Positions

Cosmo took to the streets to publicly demonstrate some of their oh-so-ubiquitous sex positions with an average couple to see how they work. I will confess that I’ve actually tried every last one of these positions, not because of Cosmo, just because I’m adventurous. At varying points of my life I have been really into yoga and sex, so I’m all for trying something, even if it means that I may or may not fall on the floor or take an elbow to the face. See: anything where I’m in wheelbarrow or bridge.

None the less, these positions are often not particularly sexy or all that stimulating, and many of them are exhausting or at least kind of dangerous. There are some that are great, though! Especially towards the end of video #2… They’re just variations on spooning or cowgirl where there’s actually a little more room for an extra hand or toy.

I’m quite a fan of Sexy Scissors. It keeps things tight, creates a good amount of friction and is good for controlling depth. The other one I dig is The X-Rated because, well, who doesn’t like a breathtaking view? I tend to date pervs. ;) Do any of these positions strike your fancy? And do you think any could potentially be repurposed to include a blowjob? I think there are a few with potential… Of course, every body is different, but maybe you might just find your next go-to position among these options!

Ode to the Popsicle

Sensual licking of a popsicle

I was reading over Jezebel’s comprehensive list of foods that look like dicks (ranked) and I think that they got it wrong. The best dick-shaped food is absolutely a popsicle, not a burrito. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good burrito, but stick with me here…

We’re coming off a pretty hot summer and the weather is finally starting to skew cooler, but there were many many moments where a popsicle hit the spot perfectly, and immediately inspired the deep desire to give a blowjob as well. Other foods may be very phallic in shape, but the popsicle drips, begging to be licked up. It can have segmented flavours, requiring you to suck the tip or swirl your tongue around the base. It may even be filled with a creamy centre that could take you by surprise.

I know I’ve had many moments where I’ve locked eyes with someone while enjoying a popsicle in public. No, it never resulted in a clandestine moment, but a little lingering eye contact and a moment of tongue-on-treat-related innuendo likely caused a little stirring. Sometimes it’s just another way to distract from the heat. There are few things hotter than knowing that you probably set off a masturbation session when they got home.

It’s coy and innocent, yet decidedly teasing. But what do you think? Do you get turned on by phallic foods in action? Does a little tongue work to lap up a few errant drops get your attention? And, if not the popsicle, what’s the most erotic food to watch someone enjoy?

Clickhole Sex Tips

Clickhole sex advice for couples

Photo courtesy of Clickhole.com

Clickhole is probably my favourite new (well, new-ish) website. It’s by the makers of The Onion, but it’s taking on Buzzfeed/Upworthy-style posts and using their standard wit and snark to create satire for the internet age. This means they cover everything, and that includes sexuality. Now, I’m a sex nerd and I do love reading advice for potentially learning new things, but a lot of it is kind of rough with lists that seem to be all over the place. In 5 Tips to Fuck Good, Clickhole perfectly embodies these sloppily slapped together excuses for sex education.

It’s hard to decide which one of these is my favourite, but I think I’ll have to go with tip #4:

Sweat wine: What is the most sexual fuck-juice? That is correct—it is wine, the juice of love. Thus, if you want to fuck good, you must sweat wine out of your pores. You and your sexual lover can lick the wine off of you and it will be delicious and you will both become sexual and mad. You can sweat out good wine or garbage wine, who cares?

I have developed quite a pet peeve about suggesting alcohol for sex (it opens up possibilities for consent issues and it tends to make people sloppy, unfocused and potentially pukey) so this takes it beyond the pale. I just hope that if you choose to heed this advice, you’ll put down a tarpaulin first… Wine is a nightmare to get out of the sheets!

Hopefully this adds a little levity to your sexual experiences… I just KNOW you can all fuck good.