Don’t Be Selfish

Piper gives an erotic blowjob

I read this article on xoJane and absolutely cringed. For a taste of what I’m talking about, here’s just the opening, before the rationalizing begins:

Recently, I had sex with someone and about 10 minutes into our romp, I had a great orgasm. The guy I was sexing, though, didn’t seem to notice and continued to thrust himself in and out of me, until I finally motioned for him to stop. I calmly explained to him that I had just orgasmed.

“Ahh . . . okay,” he responded.

I could tell he was upset. We laid next to one another, awkwardly, for a few moments.

“Is there something wrong?” I finally asked.

“Ummm, don’t you think that’s a bit selfish?” he questioned.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, I didn’t come yet,” he explained.

“And . . . ?” I responded.

So, yes, I do think that’s a bit selfish. If I hear one more thing about refractory periods, I’m going to roll my eyes so far into the back of my head that they might never come back around. Yes, the human body loses a little interest in sex once it’s had an orgasm, and this is true of both men and women to varying degrees from person to person, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t power through and be good, giving lovers who actually care about the other person with whom we’re in bed.

Generally speaking, this idea has been promoted more among men than women, so I guess this article is supposed to be edgy by taking it back and saying that women can do this too. While I’m all for putting yourself first and for not having gendered ideas of how sex should play out, this is the opposite of the way that should go. We should be lifting each other up (and getting each other off) instead of racing to the bottom. Unless you’re racing to be a bottom or do something sexy to a bottom.

So, just know that it is NOT okay to just look out for yourself in sex. Become an enthusiastic giver and you’ll be much more likely to get back, but also, that’s not the point. What do you think of this article? Any redeeming qualities? Or just plain old no?

3 thoughts on “Don’t Be Selfish

  1. Cal

    Yeah… complicated politics at work here. The evolution from “sex ends when the man cums” to “everybody deserves an orgasm” to “everybody HAS TO HAVE an orgasm” to “is everybody still having fun?” is a tough process. And there is definitely never going to be a “one size fits all” approach, to every couple or even every encounter. Sometimes I cum quickly. Sometimes it takes me forever. Sometimes I like it one way, sometimes the other. Sometimes I want to focus exclusively on my partner, and my orgasms don’t matter at all. Sometimes I get so caught up in focusing on my partner that I forget that my orgasm DOES matter to her, and she feels like she’s cheating me if she doesn’t help me cum… so complicated!

    Basically, yes, just don’t be selfish. Don’t assume you know what the other person wants, expects, requires, or deserves. The only way to know is to ask, as often as possible. And to accept whatever answer they give, whether it’s “don’t you dare stop now” or “sorry, babe, not tonight.”

    Also, speaking as a guy who has been single for [cough] a long time, I don’t think enough people consider partnered sex differently enough from masturbation. Masturbation is totally controlled. You know whether or not you want to get off, and when, and how. It ends when you stop, which usually means it ends when you cum. I can edge for hours until I finally reach a mind-blowing orgasm, and then thirty seconds later I’m happily asleep. That’s not sex, or at least not the kind of sex I’d do with/for a partner. (At least not the immediately falling asleep part.) But if my partner cums and instantly falls asleep, then I need to respect that… unless she’s just being selfish… hmm…

    Reply
    1. Sophie Delancey Post author

      I’m with you, Cal. We shouldn’t be exclusively orgasm focused, but we shouldn’t be absolutely orgasm indifferent, either. My policy is: if you want to get off, I’m going to be unbelievably enthusiastic about it. If you want to call it at a certain point because you’re not feeling it, then that is totally fine because the joy is the ride. And I expect the same thing! But you are absolutely correct that sex isn’t masturbation and we shouldn’t need to just race to the orgasm. Even when I get off by myself, taking my time is lovely.

      Reply
      1. Mark

        It’s perfectly put sexy comments like that which have me hoping you’ll step back in front of the camera again someday soon Sophie…

        Reply

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