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Don’t Be Selfish

Piper gives an erotic blowjob

I read this article on xoJane and absolutely cringed. For a taste of what I’m talking about, here’s just the opening, before the rationalizing begins:

Recently, I had sex with someone and about 10 minutes into our romp, I had a great orgasm. The guy I was sexing, though, didn’t seem to notice and continued to thrust himself in and out of me, until I finally motioned for him to stop. I calmly explained to him that I had just orgasmed.

“Ahh . . . okay,” he responded.

I could tell he was upset. We laid next to one another, awkwardly, for a few moments.

“Is there something wrong?” I finally asked.

“Ummm, don’t you think that’s a bit selfish?” he questioned.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, I didn’t come yet,” he explained.

“And . . . ?” I responded.

So, yes, I do think that’s a bit selfish. If I hear one more thing about refractory periods, I’m going to roll my eyes so far into the back of my head that they might never come back around. Yes, the human body loses a little interest in sex once it’s had an orgasm, and this is true of both men and women to varying degrees from person to person, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t power through and be good, giving lovers who actually care about the other person with whom we’re in bed.

Generally speaking, this idea has been promoted more among men than women, so I guess this article is supposed to be edgy by taking it back and saying that women can do this too. While I’m all for putting yourself first and for not having gendered ideas of how sex should play out, this is the opposite of the way that should go. We should be lifting each other up (and getting each other off) instead of racing to the bottom. Unless you’re racing to be a bottom or do something sexy to a bottom.

So, just know that it is NOT okay to just look out for yourself in sex. Become an enthusiastic giver and you’ll be much more likely to get back, but also, that’s not the point. What do you think of this article? Any redeeming qualities? Or just plain old no?

Wanna Make a Sex Tape?

 

I’ve become kind of obsessed with a new idea: helping people to make their own sex tapes. I love getting to shoot porn of myself with my partner for a variety of reasons: it’s creative, I get to see myself as I want, I get to have it for posterity… It’s exciting! Of course, it’s not reasonable to expect everyone to be able to be in porn for a whole host of scenarios, but they can make sex tapes. Honestly, it’s hard to imagine not being at least pretty curious about what I look like during the act… And even harder to imagine not wanting to watch it after with my partner.

Now, I’ve discussed the realities of making sex tapes on panels in the past, and it is definitely fraught. Emily Morse wrote a piece for Glamour magazine recently all about how you can do lots of fun stuff on video, but then you have to delete it immediately. That kind of bums me out, but I do see the point. There are other options, like having a mutual delete date upon breaking up or having it stored exclusively a hard drive which requires two separate passwords/keys/etc to gain access. I also suggest drawing up a quick contract indicating that any attempt to publicize the content would result in serious legal action.

But I digress! If you could learn how to make your own beautiful sex tape, would you? If there were workshops or more articles about ways to safely and consensually make something high-quality and erotic for your private enjoyment, is it something you would do? Or would you have a videographer come in to capture the magic, make it look good and then give you the sole copy? I’m always curious to see if this is something that actually appeals to the average person, or if it’s a desire mostly reserved for us wild and crazy porn types. Let me know!