Tag Archives: sex

Don’t Be Selfish

Piper gives an erotic blowjob

I read this article on xoJane and absolutely cringed. For a taste of what I’m talking about, here’s just the opening, before the rationalizing begins:

Recently, I had sex with someone and about 10 minutes into our romp, I had a great orgasm. The guy I was sexing, though, didn’t seem to notice and continued to thrust himself in and out of me, until I finally motioned for him to stop. I calmly explained to him that I had just orgasmed.

“Ahh . . . okay,” he responded.

I could tell he was upset. We laid next to one another, awkwardly, for a few moments.

“Is there something wrong?” I finally asked.

“Ummm, don’t you think that’s a bit selfish?” he questioned.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, I didn’t come yet,” he explained.

“And . . . ?” I responded.

So, yes, I do think that’s a bit selfish. If I hear one more thing about refractory periods, I’m going to roll my eyes so far into the back of my head that they might never come back around. Yes, the human body loses a little interest in sex once it’s had an orgasm, and this is true of both men and women to varying degrees from person to person, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t power through and be good, giving lovers who actually care about the other person with whom we’re in bed.

Generally speaking, this idea has been promoted more among men than women, so I guess this article is supposed to be edgy by taking it back and saying that women can do this too. While I’m all for putting yourself first and for not having gendered ideas of how sex should play out, this is the opposite of the way that should go. We should be lifting each other up (and getting each other off) instead of racing to the bottom. Unless you’re racing to be a bottom or do something sexy to a bottom.

So, just know that it is NOT okay to just look out for yourself in sex. Become an enthusiastic giver and you’ll be much more likely to get back, but also, that’s not the point. What do you think of this article? Any redeeming qualities? Or just plain old no?

Sex, An Advertisement

I don’t know if you’ve heard of this thing… It’s kind of out there… It’s called SEX. Oh, you have? Well, good. I know that it’s easy to forget about (HA!) but there is now an advertisement for sex so that you remember to have it. Well, actually, it sounds a lot more simple a concept than it is, and I’m being silly here… It’s actually a pretty great idea!

This is a short commercial-style film made by Matus The First and Konstantin Minnich of the Metropolitan Film Institute. They put a lot of effort into making something cinematic and compelling to underline just how important sex is as a part of life. The voiceover is clear and to the point that we can often stagnate as sexual beings, forgetting that exploration and intimacy are the keys to a more fulfilling sex life… and a few very out there fantasies always help, too.

The imagery is a little jarring. Something about phallic objects and pencil sharpeners just make me cringe, but I get the idea and it certainly works for a lot of the metaphors. I really wish something like this would be running on television everywhere, ideally with more caveats about safety, of course. It may sound reductive, but I think there would be a lot of improvements in the world and in individual lives if we prioritized happy, giving, creative sex as a value in our culture. What do you think of this commercial and its message?

Oral for Occasions

Renée shows off her stunning body

Today I wanted to tackle a perhaps slightly unconventional sticking point: is oral sex (or any kind of other sex for that matter) an appropriate gift? Answer: yes, but only assuming it’s also happening all through the year.

My sentiments are very much echoed in this excellent piece (with pictures!) over at Suggestive Tongue. Don’t get me wrong… Oral sex is always an appropriate gift to top off a special day, but (assuming you want it) it should be a part of many many days. As Lorelei so clearly states:

Women shouldn’t have to wait until their birthday to have a partner that will go down on them. Men shouldn’t have to wait until Christmas to get some head. Couples in sexual relationships ought to work on communicating desires openly and honestly each day of their relationship as these desires and other needs come up.

If you want something, just say it! Make your desires known! And try to anticipate the needs of your partner by being enthusiastically giving, too. This doesn’t mean that the fire and passion doesn’t wax and wane at times, but if you have to circle the calendar to give or get pleasure, there are some serious issues to be worked out.

Sometimes sex needs to be made extra special, especially if schedules and sickness and travel have made it hard to carve out the time needed to really truly luxuriate in each other’s bodies… I have certainly had many birthdays where, after the dinner or the party or the gifts, there’s one more thing to do… A smorgasbord of all of my favourite sexual indulgences all laid out before me. That is absolutely amazing and you should give this a try some time. It’s become my favourite gift to give and receive.

I think the delineation between giving sex as a gift and withholding most of the time and giving sex as a gift as part of a larger healthy sexual relationship has been made clear. What do you think about sexual gift giving?

Clickhole Sex Tips

Clickhole sex advice for couples

Photo courtesy of Clickhole.com

Clickhole is probably my favourite new (well, new-ish) website. It’s by the makers of The Onion, but it’s taking on Buzzfeed/Upworthy-style posts and using their standard wit and snark to create satire for the internet age. This means they cover everything, and that includes sexuality. Now, I’m a sex nerd and I do love reading advice for potentially learning new things, but a lot of it is kind of rough with lists that seem to be all over the place. In 5 Tips to Fuck Good, Clickhole perfectly embodies these sloppily slapped together excuses for sex education.

It’s hard to decide which one of these is my favourite, but I think I’ll have to go with tip #4:

Sweat wine: What is the most sexual fuck-juice? That is correct—it is wine, the juice of love. Thus, if you want to fuck good, you must sweat wine out of your pores. You and your sexual lover can lick the wine off of you and it will be delicious and you will both become sexual and mad. You can sweat out good wine or garbage wine, who cares?

I have developed quite a pet peeve about suggesting alcohol for sex (it opens up possibilities for consent issues and it tends to make people sloppy, unfocused and potentially pukey) so this takes it beyond the pale. I just hope that if you choose to heed this advice, you’ll put down a tarpaulin first… Wine is a nightmare to get out of the sheets!

Hopefully this adds a little levity to your sexual experiences… I just KNOW you can all fuck good.

Scenes from a Sex Club

Sexy spanking with Sophie and Anja

“Hey, Sophie! What did you get up to last night?” “Oh, you know. The usual. I went to a sex club with a bunch of people I knew in many different ways and we were all okay with this.”

So, there’s this sex club in Toronto and I love it. I go there fairly regularly for swims and a sexy change of scenery. Once in a while the porn collective I help out with throws a special night there once in a while, full of live porn shoots and little side events. I was there to shoot a very sexy mutual oral scene (behind the camera, not in front this time!) and then to enjoy myself.

Who was there? Well, people I’ve dated, people I’ve had sex with, people I’ve shot having sex, people who have appeared on The Art of Blowjob, people I’m very good friends with, oh, and two people from the choir I was in as a child. You know, cause that’s a thing that happens.

You’d think that this might create some awkward moments, but I think that working in porn has officially made me comfortable with sexuality on a nearly complete level. It’s actually really nice.

As I sat there in the dungeon with my sweetheart, listening to my charming New Zealander pal reading Tom Robbins as he received a blowjob (they had a live couple version of Hysterical Literature as one of the side events this month) I felt nothing unwelcome, even though this was someone with whom I had no kind of sexual feelings or interactions. It was just nice to know that my friend was having a good time, and I was really proud of him for being so brave!

When I (figuratively, not literally) bumped into someone I’ve shot in the throes of passion while swimming naked, we exchanged pleasantries and caught up with no focus on our bodies, or the people having sex next to the pool. It’s there, it’s the reality, but there was no need to gawk.

Standing in a circle near the hot tub, having a conversation with a bunch of people from the porn collective, they made light of how my robe was gauzy enough that it only provided the illusion of coverage. Because it was so playful and I felt so safe with everyone there, this was just funny, not even slightly creepy… Especially since it was bookended (HA!) with talk of what we were reading lately.

Seeing a brief ex flirting with one of my choir friends from bygone days just made me happy to see two people who might get along, well, getting along. And then getting it on. There’s not a lot of privacy in this club. I was happy to see him out of his shell, and happy to see that she had grown into an awesome sex-positive person.

I don’t know exactly what all these sexy but simple tableaus mean in the grand scheme of things, but I know that this feeling of ease is very nice. This is what it could feel like if sex wasn’t seen as such a shameful thing. What do you think of sex clubs? Would you go to one? And how would you feel if you saw someone (or many people) you knew there?

Women’s POV Porn

Okay, so this video by Amy Schumer is timely, as I’ve been talking about thinking a lot about how a women’s POV might be included in The Art of Blowjob after a couple of very enthusiastic guys floated their desire to see such a thing in action. I didn’t know how to fully articulate my point, but I didn’t think it would work.

The thing is, giving blowjobs is about the sensuality of the act, which is best expressed with an intimate (but not too close) vantage point. It’s as much about the mouth-feel as it is about anything else. There is the cock worship aspect, which sometimes takes place outside of the mouth, but the vast majority of a blowjob happens with the penis at least partly inside! In terms of what we actually see when there’s a penis inside out mouths… Not much. Stomachs, mostly. Maybe chins/chests when we’re looking up. It’s all extremely close up, so it wouldn’t make for a great shot.

Someone suggested a GoPro camera attached to my head and, well… It would just be a view of indistinguishable shirt/skin and maybe getting very up close and personal with some balls or a thigh if I take it from another angle. I think getting the empathy associated with a woman’s literal viewpoint is very nice in theory, but the results would be blurry and confusing. With that in mind, this video expresses a similar issue with other types of woman’s POV porn.

It’s not that it can’t work, but it caters itself more to cunnilingus and fingering than PIV sex or blowjobs. If we ever make it to The Art of Cunnilingus or Fingering, you can bet we’ll experiment with some women’s POV shots. For now, though, we’ll stick to angles that allow a full view of the beautiful blowjob.

What do you think about POV porn in general? Does it always help you to feel like you’re the one receiving pleasure, or does it take a very specific feel/execution to put you in that headspace? After all, we haven’t tried a recipient’s POV video in a long time…

An Interview with Billy

This is long, so I’m going to put most of it behind a cut. I sat down with Billy for 20 minutes and we did an audio interview, which I then transcribed. Word to the wise: transcribing takes a while. But now it’s done. Whereas my interviews with Clara and Laura were more about getting to know them as we went, this was just spending time with a dear friend and ex-lover. I hope you’ll read it to get a sense of his delightful sense of humour and our charming interplay.

Continue reading

Vintage Erotica Featuring Billy

It seems like the last real-life erotica I wrote here was a pretty big hit, so I figured I’d share some more. This is actually something I wrote 3.5 years ago, back while Billy and I were dating and living together and I was toying with the idea of writing about my own life and sexual experiences. It’s also before I started identifying more as a dominant, so I actually have a pretty freaky submissive blowjob experience in this. More than anything, it’s just a great little slice of life between the newest model on The Art of Blowjob and your faithful blog attendant!

I read a fair amount of sex blogs. I’ve only just started commenting because I have some modicum of anxiety about not being insightful enough with the things I say. That said, one thing I’ve noticed about sex blogs is overarching themes of “cool” sex. Of course, cool is a very subjective term, but I mean that these people are living the kinds of experiences you expect:  fun random hook-ups, well orchestrated polyamory, sex in porn, really sleek kink/BDSM scenes… I totally don’t fit in with that. I am in a (thus far) monogamous relationship with the love of my life. (He is way cooler than me, but that’s for another blog post.) We have awesome sex, it’s very special and it’s by no means vanilla, but it is very “us” in every way.

Take tonight, for example. I got off work and Billy met me outside my office and we went for a lovely long walk and stopped to get some truly disturbingly delicious rice pudding. (They let you mix flavours, so we had sucre à la crème, coconut, vanilla and rocky road… Oh yes! That is a thing.) Then we walked some more and decided to stop by a sex shop to buy some rope (and a noggin scratcher, because it was nine bucks and the thing is orgasmic) to play with later on. Sexy enough, right? Well, we came home and he made me some delicious stir fried tofu/noodles (because he is a dreamboat) and then bought a membership to Nofauxxx, which I will be reviewing later this week.

Between snacking, cuddling and watching hot queer folks get down, we were ready for some prime fooling around. He had to keep his socks on (in a non-porn, he has band-aids on his feet because of dance-related blisters and he didn’t want them to peel off during sex way), so I kept my knee high tube socks on as a gesture of good will. There we were, undressing each other (except the socks, of course) and kissing and teasing and loving each other. He is a bitey motherfucker and I am anemic, so I will have major neck bruises for the foreseeable future, but this is the price we pay for pleasure.

Once we were groping each other like a couple of horny fifteen year olds in our parents’ basement, he bent me over and started slipping fingers into me, rubbing my clit with his thumb and eating my ass. (So not used to sex blogging because I am blushing like a madman over here.) I, being the incessantly chatty bitch I am, was moaning and dirty talking with my face pressed directly against the wall we share with our neighbours… Sorry? Then he just flipped me over and pounded me through several intense orgasms until I was begging to suck him off.

At this point, we took a little breather while I got out the rope and started tying it around my breasts. I have no experience with roping, no Midori book on hand and damned if I’m going to Google in the heat of passion, so I just kind of winged it and it actually ended up looking pretty good. The rope was like 30 feet long, so Jed decided that I should tether myself to his cock by wrapping the excess around him like a cock ring. This worked surprisingly well, giving me a little slack to tug at when I wanted to tighten my grip, which made him wild.

So, there I was, sucking and licking and kissing and tugging when I see ears peeking up right by the side of the bed. Then quizzical eyes. Fuck, the cat. She jumped on the bed and gave the same look she gives when she wants some cereal. Sorry, cat. We don’t roll that way! Billy grabbed the spray bottle we keep around for when she chews on our cables and shooed her away with a quick spritz. He saw my involuntary jerk away and thought this was the perfect way to exert a little dominance.

He instructed me to keep sucking or he’d spray me. So I did. Then he told me to take him as deep as I could and then hold him there or else he’d spray me. Being the freak bitch that I am, I loved this and held on for dear life as my eyes welled up with tears and my gag reflex taunted me. Finally, I had to let go and I was righteously spritzed. I attempted to get back to it, but the spritzing, the consistently intervening cat and Billy’s serious voice was making me laugh uncontrollably while trying to deep throat him. That was not exactly a sexy sound.

When he decided I’d been a good enough girl, he laid me down on my back and started pounding me again, being rough with my tits and exchanging feverish statements of love and devotion with me. (This is the guy who, having dated me for only a few weeks, exclaimed what beautiful children we were going to have together during sex one day, after all. Good thing I already felt the same way.) Being the lucky girl I am, I came a few more times and, when he was finally nice and close, he pulled out and brought me down to swallow his load. (Don’t worry.  We get tested regularly, we take precautions for baby issues and we are open, honest and trusting with each other.) Hot sex, my friends.

Then, we did what we usually do. We cuddled for a while, got dressed and went for a late night walk in our beautiful neighbourhood to grab some diet soft drinks at the gas station. Fresca for the lady and Diet Dr. Pepper for the gentleman. Excellent choice. We walked back, making inappropriate comments about how shaving your junk is good only in theory, swigging from our 2 litre bottles (Classy!) and pausing to kiss and snuggle at every corner. Then we watched more porn and got off again because were are both insatiable, we spooned (him = little spoon, me = big spoon), he fell asleep with the cat curled up at his feet and I wrote this blog post. All in all, another night in paradise.

Ask Sophie Advice #1

The Art of Blowjob is more than just an aspirational site… We actually want people who watch our videos to enjoy happy sex lives for themselves. I have always loved giving advice, and I figured this is a good place to give it a whirl, so that we can help members and viewers and beautiful porn enthusiasts with their questions and problems.

Sophie,

I have a problem, and I hope you can help. The problem is that I want my partner to watch some of your videos, and I don’t know how to get her to watch. We’ve been together a long time, and oral sex was always a no-no for her, both giving and getting. Now she’s not interested in sex at all, so I get by with jerking off. I was amazed when I found your site last year. And I don’t know how I did it, but I got her to watch a couple of videos. She said that the videos are “nice” and “loving” but didn’t turn her on at all. So she hasn’t watched any more videos. I really enjoyed Laura’s new video, and I want my partner to see how sexy and fun it is. But she doesn’t like for me to push her, and she’s quick to feel like I’m pushing. And I don’t want her to feel like I’m comparing her to Laura. I just want her to see that a BJ doesn’t have to be ugly like in regular porn.

So how can I get her to watch?

By the way, we’re already seeing a counselor.

Seeing a counsellor is a great step, and I think the fact that you have that open and mediated line of communication is going to be very important when it comes to broaching this issue. While I don’t have all of the details at my disposal, I think there’s a lot to be said for the fact that your sex life with your wife has dwindled to the point where you are exclusively masturbating and (I would guess) that she’s not frequently a part of the process.

It seems that you’ve made peace with this decrease in your sex life, but that your sexuality is still something you want to share with your wife, even if it’s not a particularly mutual experience. That is absolutely natural and, as someone who is a fan of the site, you no doubt value intimacy and connection during a sexual experience, even if it’s just your body at play.

The fact that she’s been open to watching videos before is quite a good sign. She may be quick to feel pressured, but you’ve established a precedent here. The fact that the site has changed somewhat radically means that you have a reason to bring it up: “Remember those videos we watched featuring blowjobs? Well, they’ve gone in a different direction and there’s a new model. I’d love to share a video with you to see what you think.” It’s a fairly straightforward request, and you’re not asking her to be aroused, to have physical contact, to masturbate with you… You just want her to watch because it’s something you want to share with her. Our videos average 5-10 minutes, so it’s a very small ask.

What you’ve said about comparison is a very valuable point, and one that’s definitely worth mentioning if there’s any kind of pushback. Emphasize the desire to share with her, and the desire to share your sexuality with her. It’s an experience together, even if there’s no touching at all. There’s no expectation asides from her watching and then possibly discussing her reaction with you. If you frame it that way, it’d be unreasonable for her to feel put out by it. Of course, feelings aren’t reasonable, which is why I think it’s best to discuss this while your therapist is present if you feel comfortable. This way, if she does balk at the idea, you’ll have someone there to ask her why she feels this way and essentially walk you through your discussion so that you can avoid hurt feelings.

As with anything, compromise is important in a relationship. You’ve made quite a concession by taking mutual sex off the table for her, so I think that watching the occasional video together in order to feel close and to have your sexuality validated by her is a reasonable compromise as well.

Good luck!

Items Selected from Maggie Mayhem’s Amazing List on Sex

Maggie Mayhem in glasses and blue lingerie

Courtesy of missmaggiemayhem.com

Maggie Mayhem is one of my favourite pornstars. While she’s engaged in work that’s fairly different than what we’re making with The Art of Blowjob, I find that the ethos and spirit she (and her lovely partner Ned, with whom she has an awesome porn site) espouse through their work (both together and as individuals) to be very similar. I also love how she writes and thinks, and she recently shared an excellent 50 point list of things she’s been wanting to say about sex. While I can’t just sit here and gush about the brilliance of every item of the list, I chose a few that really spoke to me:

“There is no easy set of steps for giving or receiving pleasure.” I feel like a tremendous amount of my job is focused on regurgitating exactly this. I think that learning about blowjobs (or any other sex act under the sun) as voraciously as possible (within healthy limits) is great. I get great joy out of giving little tips and tricks… But there’s absolutely no way that you can put together a step-by-step list of instructions for how to give the “best blowjob ever” because everyone is different, and that’s what’s exciting.

“Sometimes the most skillful application of touch won’t do what a single caress or glance from someone you are centered upon can do.” This is where things get kind of tough, because it’s important to not mistake “centred” for “seriously dating” in this context. This is about whatever raw, immutable connection tethers certain people together… It’s about the times when sex transcends physical and gets all the cells buzzing, even from miles apart.

“It’s more than active or passive. You can be actively-passive and passively-active in sex.” This is so true of blowjobs (obviously I’m focusing this on the site) in particular, and it’s such an important part of contextualizing the site… It’s amazing how many nuances of roles (or lack thereof) can be established through something as seemingly simple as a blowjob, and this all evolves from moment to moment if we want it to.

“It’s fucked up to make someone feel bad about their body and how it works.” Yup. If we all focused more on pleasure and less on how that pleasure happens or what shape the vessel through which that pleasure passes is in, we’d be infinitely happier people. Only through lack of judgment can we feel free to explore and find what truly works for us.

“What your body does may not be congruous with your desire.” So many people are concerned by how our politics, our desires and our natural reactions do or do not connect and cross-pollinate. The value of sex is that, without totally removing it from any context, we can allow ourselves at least a fair amount of flexibility and benefit of the doubt in the name of finding what excites us.

“The value placed upon any given sex act or object is relational rather than intrinsic.” Culturally we often see sex as a series of absolutes, or we place an emphasis on that which is natural (whatever that means) over what we view as fabrications. The more we remove ourselves from the explicit valuation of sex, the more we can be free to see what is valuable for our own sex lives on a personal level.

“No element of sex is compulsory.” Period. End of sentence. Sex is whatever you make it. It isn’t a house of cards… The whole structure doesn’t collapse if you take out a sex act or other type of component. It’s a sundae bar… You decide what you want! (And now I’ve gone and made myself hungry.)

Were there any other statements that stuck out for you on this list? I’d love to hear any further thoughts this clever bunch has on the subject of sex.