Tag Archives: xoJane

Don’t Be Selfish

Piper gives an erotic blowjob

I read this article on xoJane and absolutely cringed. For a taste of what I’m talking about, here’s just the opening, before the rationalizing begins:

Recently, I had sex with someone and about 10 minutes into our romp, I had a great orgasm. The guy I was sexing, though, didn’t seem to notice and continued to thrust himself in and out of me, until I finally motioned for him to stop. I calmly explained to him that I had just orgasmed.

“Ahh . . . okay,” he responded.

I could tell he was upset. We laid next to one another, awkwardly, for a few moments.

“Is there something wrong?” I finally asked.

“Ummm, don’t you think that’s a bit selfish?” he questioned.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, I didn’t come yet,” he explained.

“And . . . ?” I responded.

So, yes, I do think that’s a bit selfish. If I hear one more thing about refractory periods, I’m going to roll my eyes so far into the back of my head that they might never come back around. Yes, the human body loses a little interest in sex once it’s had an orgasm, and this is true of both men and women to varying degrees from person to person, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t power through and be good, giving lovers who actually care about the other person with whom we’re in bed.

Generally speaking, this idea has been promoted more among men than women, so I guess this article is supposed to be edgy by taking it back and saying that women can do this too. While I’m all for putting yourself first and for not having gendered ideas of how sex should play out, this is the opposite of the way that should go. We should be lifting each other up (and getting each other off) instead of racing to the bottom. Unless you’re racing to be a bottom or do something sexy to a bottom.

So, just know that it is NOT okay to just look out for yourself in sex. Become an enthusiastic giver and you’ll be much more likely to get back, but also, that’s not the point. What do you think of this article? Any redeeming qualities? Or just plain old no?

Trying New Sexual Experiences

Laura giving a sexy blowjob in glasses.

A lot of people watch The Art of Blowjob‘s videos because they’re fairly aspirational to the type of sex life that facilitates regular enthusiastic blowjobs. With this blog, our social media outreach and any other ways we can interact with our members/fans, we try to show that any sex life can be that rich with the right attention and attitude.

Recently there was an article posted over at xoJane by sex therapist Vanessa Marin about exactly that… With mindfulness towards your sex life, there is so much that you can do to explore and subtly change things up without actually having to invest that much time, energy or money. I’ve included a few of my favourites here, but feel free to talk about your own in the comments section!

Use a scarf or tie to restrain your partner’s limbs, or have them tie you down.

Masturbate in front of each other.

Forbid yourselves from orgasming. Keep getting each other to the brink, then back off.

Try for multiple orgasms, even if you’ve never experienced them before.

Try to make more eye contact than you usually do. Try keeping your eyes open while kissing, or looking at each other while you orgasm.

Or tease each other mercilessly until one of you gives in and begs for more.

Yep. That’s all pretty hot. It may seem fairly obvious or simple, but sometimes that’s what you need to kickstart more exploration of fantasies and desires, or just to remind yourself to be present and in the moment when you have sex. What are some of your favourite parts of the list? Or what would you add to it?

xoJane on Orgasmic Meditation

powered by orgasm

I’ve read several posts on One Taste’s orgasmic meditation as of late and it kind of makes me want to try it. It’s like some kind of vag-worshipping cult, and I sort of want to be its high priestess. Do I get swishy robes? Let’s hope so. Mandy, one of my favourite (and most relatable) columnists from xoJane, went to the NYC branch of OM (they’re based in San Francisco… all the more reason for me to go there this spring!) and regaled the internet with an excellent blend of snark and openness to the concept.

For those who don’t know, OM (short for Orgasmic Meditation) is a practice where men (generally men, it seems like a pretty heteronormative thing from what I can tell) give women 15 minute deep vaginal/cliteral massage to achieve some kind of transcendental plane of orgasmic wonder… Or something. I would be rolling my eyes as hard as she seemed to be at first, but the sarcastic eye roll eventually was replaced by one of orgasmic bliss. For all of her misgivings and charmingly astute takedowns, she couldn’t shake the fact that it felt damn good and actually improved her mood. It all sounds really touchy feely (figuratively and literally) and a little too “woo” for me, but clearly that was the case for Mandy as well.

I felt completely out of my head. There was no porn highlights reel that I was reviewing in my head. No jokes. No thoughts of things to do or men that I’m seeing or might see or have ever seen in my life or just how proud my family will be when I post this article on Facebook. Nope, no inappropriate things to say even wandered through my head. All I thought was:

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Isn’t that what we all want? To get out of our heads, get out of our cynicism and just enjoy the moment? Ultimately, on top of being just a great piece of investigative journalism, I saw this as a really great personal message to someone who can at times be as jaded as I am, inviting me to embrace something that might seem a little too “out there” because it could just be worthwhile. I’m not sure exactly what form it’ll take (maybe a literal OM workshop — who knows?!) but the lesson is pertinent, and I hope you find that moment of abandon in your life, too.

Outside of the excellent lesson, it also kind of sounds damn hot. Perhaps it’s my dominant streak, but the idea of having a guy completely devoted to my pleasure is always welcome. I guess it’s the inverse of The Art of Blowjob in a way. I’m more of a fingering kind of gal, anyways. Maybe that’s something worth exploring… The Art of OM, anyone? What do you think of all this?