Expressing Your Desires

Expressing Your Desires ~ Get a Free Full Length Video

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By now, you've likely watched a few (or many) videos on The Art of Blowjob and they've churned up some fantasies inside you… Good! That's the first step to getting what you want. Maybe what you want is as simple as a blowjob, or a blowjob with particular techniques involved. Perhaps your fantasies go beyond blowjobs to other things which may feel more challenging to bring up. Either way, the fundamentals of initiating this conversation with a partner will be relatively the same.

The first steps are all about your own internal life. We'll go into some of these concepts in more depths as our articles section develops, but for now we'll touch on them and help you understand how they can aid in expressing your desires. For one, you need to know what your fantasies actually are. You may find yourself gravitating towards certain scenarios in porn, erotica or even in your imagination. Take note of these and find succinct, clear was to explain it using simple language. This'll help you to be able to explain them to other people and will aid you in being direct if discussing sex (or your particular fantasies) tends to make you nervous.

Another thing you need to consider before you actually broach the topic with someone else is whether or not your fantasies are possible. Some things are very simple, like a particular blowjob technique. No problems there. If you're into something more intense, perhaps something more complicated to execute in real life, then you need to be cognizant of that. Sometimes your fantasies can happen occasionally with the right preparation, but it would be too labour-intensive and unspontaneous for it to be a regular part of your sex life. If your fantasy involves lots of costumes, people, props or body parts that don't always cooperate, that's something worth remembering.

If your fantasies don't actually exist in the realm of possibility, then you have to not only know that for yourself, but also clarify that knowledge right off the bat. For more elaborate or even impossible fantasies, you should know if you want to watch porn/read erotica about it together, role play it within the limitations, just talk about it... All of these are options, but it's important that you present them as soon as you bring it up with a partner so you're both on the same page.

You may have a rich fantasy life with lots of options. That is great. Depending on your relationship to your partner (if you've been together for a while, if you've just met...) and their relationship to sex (if they're very sexually open or more reserved...) you may either choose to bring them up concurrently or focus on one at a time. You don't want to inundate them with a whole bunch of desires at once unless you think that's the kind of discussion they'd want. If you're at all unsure about their response, triage your options as a way to assess which fantasy is most compelling to you or most likely to get a positive response.

One possible technique is to start with one and build towards others, either starting with the least intense/complicated fantasy or starting with one element and continuing to other fantasies within the same general theme. For instance, if you're into kinky sex, maybe start with a little light bondage or a blindfold before your bring up the desire to bring a bullwhip and a fucksaw into the bedroom.

As I mentioned, one important factor in this is whether you've just met this person or if you know them for a long while. I use "relationship" and "partner" in broad senses. A relationship is any ongoing interaction between people and a partner can be a casual sex friend, a new prospective lover or your life partner. Depending on the strength of your bond and your familiarity, you may frame your interaction differently. If this is someone you've been seeing for a while, you need to create space for the discussion with context, clarity and a view towards making both of you comfortable because the stakes are comparatively high. If it's someone you just met and you aren't necessarily super invested, or if you know that they're sex-positive and open to whatever you have to share, you can always just lay your cards on the table and see what they say. If that's the case, well, take a deep breath and let your freak flag fly! If not, read on...

For those who could stand to create the right environment for this conversation, start with the setting. As tempting as it may be, don't blurt your desires out during a fight about your sex life. Make sure that you're in a calm frame of mind and pick a time where your partner feels relatively relaxed. If they're going through a tough time, maybe save it for a little later. Then again, your pleasure is important, so don't defer the talk forever. It's not a bad idea to approach this from a sexy place, so you can certainly make the conversation part of the foreplay. This doesn't mean you should make it seem like your end goal is to have your fantasies fulfilled by the end of the night, so make that clear.

In terms of actually bringing it up, try not to imbue any cause for concern into your intro. "We need to talk..." is never a great intro. Frame it in a positive way, as ultimately this is about your pleasure. One great way to address it is by asking your partner if they have any secret fantasies. Just make sure you're ready to hear what they may have to say! Another good tactic is to start it out with a genuine compliment, especially if it pertains to what you're about to launch into. Want to get into anal play? Find a respectful and playful way to compliment their butt. Want them to take charge with a little dominance in the bedroom? Admire how strong and passionate they are in life. Want dress up? Tell them how sexy they look in your favourite outfit of theirs.

If you want to be a little more serious, that's fine too. Especially if you have something a little more complex to discuss, or if you have some shame surrounding your desires, it's okay to be vulnerable. Frame your discussion by mentioning that this is something important to you, maybe something you've been thinking about for a long time or perhaps that you've been actively hiding. Just be honest and allow that vulnerability to be understood. When you come from a place like that, it's a lot easier for your partner to be open and empathetic to what you're sharing. It sounds like a lot of emotions, but remember that you're doing this for hot sex!

Don't forget to be aware of your tone. Once you've started in, focus on something you'd like to try, not something they haven't been doing for you. Keep it light and sexy if possible. This shouldn't be about blame, it should be about sharing something and finding a way to turn your fantasies into reality. If you're met with resistance, try to take a step back and understand where it's coming from. Ask questions about the resistance with the goal of greater understanding, not to build a case against them. If need be, actually state that you're coming to this from a place of care and respect. Sometimes that little signifier is all you need to bring the talk back around to a better place. If it's really going downhill, put a bookmark in the talk and agree to come back to it after a little diversion.

Sometimes demonstration can help, especially when you're addressing something uncommon or harder to understand. I'm not saying that you need to have a three-ring binder with colour-coordinated tabs and a Powerpoint presentation, but having some photos or videos, perhaps some erotica or even a Wikipedia article. If there's educational porn about it, make sure you buy a copy and offer to watch it together if they're willing. It's a nice way to learn something, create an sexy atmosphere and ideally move to a place of greater openness.

I hinted at this earlier, but you're going to want to be open to reciprocity. Your partner may very well have the same thoughts and feelings as you do, or they may want to try something completely different. If you didn't introduce this by asking about their secret fantasies, make sure to leave room for that after you discuss your desires. Try to be open in the way you would like them to be open to you. Even if it's unexpected or something you're not quite sure you're on board with, really listen to them, consider what they're saying and remain open to possibilities.

If either of you need a little time to think it over, allow for it. Rome wasn't built in a day. Another important thing to remember is that, even if your fantasy is met with enthusiasm and everything seems perfect, you shouldn't let it take over every other aspect of your life. There's a temptation to revel in this new thing, but make sure that your partner's needs are met as well and that you strike a balance so that your sex life can thrive and everyone can feel like their pleasure is important.

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